Milwaukee, WI

I love dumb criminal stories, and this one is so ridiculous that it sounds like something straight out of The Onion. But this isn’t satire, this is news straight from our northern neighbors in West Bend, Wisconsin.

On Sunday, October 28, 2007, Michael Rieger returned home from work to find a burglary in progress. He chased the intruder into the attached garage where Rieger grabbed him and held him in a bear hug while his wife dialed 911. The intruder struggled and Rieger’s grip slipped to the burglar’s legs. The burglar then wiggled himself free of his pants and shoes and ran.

Fortunately, those pants included enough items to identify the burglar as 18 year old Benjamin C. Hoppe, including a cell phone and a GPS system which may have been stolen from another home.

The pants also included, to quote the Journal Sentinel article, “a large quantity of fecal matter on the interior of the pants…on the threshold of the door, too. And on the porch.”

Apparently being caught scared the um, well, you know, out of him. What a crappy burglar.

Our justice system, flawed as it is, does a relatively decent job of keeping criminal behavior in check. But nothing, nothing in this world is as effective as good old-fashioned embarrassment and shame. And the publicity that Mr. Hoppe is receiving for his failed burglary attempt has to be a far bigger deterrent than any jail sentence.

So far, Mr. Hoppe has been charged with burglary, possession of a controlled substance, and receiving stolen property. His next court appearance will be on December 6, 2007. You can track the progress of his case on CCAP, Wisconsin’s Court Access program.